Let’s Talk About Sex…Or Lack OF… (and GIVEAWAY!)
July 12, 2014|Posted in: Self
Before the responsibilities of kids, a mortgage, juggling schedules , and of course the everlasting battle of who’s turn is it to wash the dishes, you get married to the one that you love, and just KNOW and even VOW that you will never become one of those couples that sit next to each other in bed (or at the dinner table) night after night watching Jimmy Fallon sans conversation, or even touching.
Enter reality after you have kids, and what I’m describing above may in fact become a reality. Even more-so when the daily grind starts adding to the stressors of the house, and arguments, lack of touch, jokes, and synergy seem to be seeping out of any cracks in the house they can find. Now, I’m not saying this happens to everyone, but what I am saying is that changes like this can affect couples at many points in their lives, especially when kids come into the picture.
You’re running around all day making sure your family has food, sustenance, the birthday present for the 4 birthdays you need to attend over the weekend, enough diaper cream, and oh….look presentable when….where’s that damn diaper cream…
By the end of the day you’re both so tired from everything, that the last thing on your mind….well not the last thing, because it’s always the first thing….it’s the energy you need to muster up to make it happen….is SEX… and you think, ok…maybe tomorrow night….tomorrow night comes….ok….maybe on the weekend….ok…for SURE tomorrow night…pretty soon a week, a month, or even longer goes by and you become that dreaded word…ROOMMATES… and for those of us who make that happen and get out of that new-parent funk…please share your secrets!! but for the 80% that can’t….need to know that SEX and intimacy needs to be a priority just like food….and not just SEX, but the intimate foundation that your relationship has been based on…which is usually why you’ve decided “till death do us part”.
I was recently introduced this book “From the Living Room to the Bedroom” by Drs. Bill & Ginger Bercaw, and boy did it blow my mind. not only does it address the distance that grows in-between couples, I mean, any kind of couples, in not just the bedroom, but also in the living room. Where the energy flow in how you guys treat one another in the living room (common interactions, public interactions, etc) and into the bedroom (the love, private intimate conversations, sex, cuddling, etc) need to flow well with one another. I really have never thought about how the two are important to one another, but they are. I mean, think about it…. you’re in the kitchen planning the day…asking DH or DW can I get you anything from the store? and the other partner turns into Mr (or Mrs. Grinch) and either doesn’t respond, or does so in a way that makes you feel like a doormat…. do you think that the hurtfulness, anger or resentment won’t carry over into the bedroom? OF COURSE it will!!
This book dives into a theory called Coupleflow which describes just that. Here are a few things I felt were very important messages in the book….and won’t disclose too much because I really think it’s an important book for you to get, whether you purchase it or check it out from a library. OH and I’m giving away a signed copy!
Communicate like adults: how many times have you spoken or spoken back to your significant other, later to look back and imagine yourself as a child pouting and stomping your feet? It’s very easy to go there and choose to act or react from “the children’s menu”, however remembering to choose from the “adults menu”, you can effectively get your point across by using boundaries, sharing your truth modestly, listen respectful, owning responsibility for feelings, and many other methods.
Enjoy some PIE: I’m not talking about actual pie, but Planned Intimate Experiences. Now, this may seem a little weird…planning my intimate moments? Well in this busy world, we tend to give priority to the wrong things…where we should be focusing our priorities on each other, especially your significant other. So drop that smartphone, tablet, and even dinner meeting for work, and plan some time to talk, cuddle, massage, eat, and heck, even sex. Because once you start doing it…you crave it and it becomes something you just can’t do without.
Flirt: Now, flirting is one of my favorite things, but why does it have to end? You can flirt in many more ways than one… my husband was shoulder deep in snot from my sick son…and I just looked at him and said, “that little accent of snot really brings out your eyes”…ha…. it may not get me into bed (or maybe it will)…but it keeps light of a snotty situation. Because let’s face it, as a parent, you’re probably going to be living in poo, snot, food, drool stained clothes until your kids are in school.
Prepare to Repair: relationships will always have differences…and personally I think that’s what makes them great and not mundane. I love that my husband loves sports (even though I’m not a fan of rearranging my Sunday’s all fall and winter to accommodate – especially when I just don’t get why the DVR isn’t good enough to watch the game later). So the best thing is to find respectful communication for differences so that everyone’s feelings are validated, and we can always repair what has been hurt or broken. So instead of me being upset that my husband forgot we had a lunch or an important event, we talk about how we can make it work, and what we can do better next time.
Let’s talk about SEX: Everything I’ve mentioned above really helps foster and grow the intimacy between one another in the bedroom. And some (like flirting) may even lead you TO the bedroom (woohoo). However once the Coupleflow seems easier our in the Living Room, take a few steps in the bedroom and simply make it happen! Sometimes even Re-writing history is needed, and it can even feel like a whole new experience! The book recommends so many great (and creative ways) to get that bedroom spark up and running again (and no, not all include sex)…like Bedroom Soccer, Trail of Kisses, Shall We Dance, and many others!
I hope you find the book as insightful and wonderful as I did…and I’m giving a SIGNED copy away! Good Luck…and I hope you get LUCKY whether you win the book or not. 😉